SO

FUCKING TIRED of this bullshit. I have NO privacy. Fuck my family. keep your noses out of my shit, bc the more you do this, the more you make me fucking hate you.

I know it's been a long time since I've written, but the only thing I think is worth knowing or being told is that I'm absolutely madly in love with the man I've been with for the last twenty months. He's just simply amazing, and he makes me the happiest I've ever been. I love him so much.

10.04.09 AAF<3

I love my Airman with all of my heart<3

Updatee

Well things have been hectic. Stephanie had her baby :] Named Riley William<3 He was born 3.12.09 7.2 21.5 inches long. Hes so beautiful too. I kindof started dating this boy named Jesus :] He makes me rather happy. I still have loads of secrets, but none of which i could ever say on here. Secrets are never safe, no matter who/what withholds them. I've learned that the hard way. but yeah :] things are good, minus being grounded but hey, it happens I'm a teenager. I'll be 17 in about 3 1/2 months! I'm excited yet scared.
welllll i'm off for now. byee :)

Four Letter Words

What's the difference between Love and Hate? They are both just four letter words, with strong emotions attached to their definitions. And if you really think about it, you cannot have one with out the other, so really,there is no difference. Maybe they just want us to believe that there's more to these four letter words, to make us conform to what they want us to be. Or maybe there's a secret affair between the two, a hidden one,one that no one can ever see. Or maybe, all they are are just four letter words, with no meaning, no reason for saying them, and no real reason for feeling them.

Status

UPDATE: Not much really going on now a days. Just been chillin', enjoying things the way they are, yet at the same time hating them. As weird as that may seem, that's deffinately how my mind seems to work. I'm sitting here bored out of my mind. Thomas and I went to Amanda's and chilled with her and some others watched dead silence which is always a good movie :) Flirted some ;) and just hung out. Now I'm sitting here sooo tired, trying not to fall asleep. bleh well thats it for now...

Feeling

good. Things have been rocky the last week. Between midterms, and drama, it's been crazy. Midterms were good, The lowest grade I got was a 66, that was in Marine. But hey, it just means that I have to study harder. Wednesday was kindof nerve wrecking though, but not too much. Evan Nami Joey and I all hung out. We went to the mall. It was fun, I bought a really pretty dress. But believe it or not, when it came to the whole being near Joey, it wasn't too bad. I was really nervous at first, but then I calmed down, because it's pointless to let someting as stupid as him brekaing up with me ruin my fun. Actually, it reminded me of when we first hung out, I was wearing the same exact thing, coincidentally, and he was driving his dads truck, like he did the first time he ever drove me home. It was nice to be reminded in a gentle way, with him in my presence.

Friday night I found out some horrible news. Our close friend Chrissi passed away. It's really taking it's toll on mom. Unfortunately, Sarah knew her just as well, from girl scouts. This must be really hard on her daughter, she's only ten, but she doesn't have a father, and now she's motherless. I can only imagine how hard that's going to be on her in the future. I feel really horrible, it reminds me of mommom. But hey it's alright, I got to drink the pain away.

Last ngiht, Nmia spent the night. It was a lot of fun. We drank, and smoked a bowl. She got to see how my life is. It made her laugh, and I'm really glad. It was definately what she needed.

Lost and Confused

My heart and mind have been tearing me in two lately. Mostly, I think, it's my heart though. It keeps telling me different things. One day I'll care, and then the next, I feels like I hate you. Is this what it's like the be over someone you truly cared about? or is this just me not knowing whether I should give up or keep trying. Then on top of it all, in my mind, I keep telling myself, "I'm done with him, I can't take the crying all the time, an the hurt or confusion" but I keep going back to the "I still care" thing. It's all so frustrating and I can't figure out what to do any more.
My minds been so lost and confused, that I've been doing things that I don't ever do, and that are against my morals. I've only been doing it because it helps me relax and forget and just not care. This all is so hard on me. You'd think I'd be over him, and I really thought I was, but part of mes not. Part of me still wants to beg for his forgiveness and talk with him like we used to. Its really hard to keep remembering everything we did together. God, I want to just let go, but I can't seem to. Maybe my heart doesn't want to let go, because I'm so afraid of being alone. At this point, anythings possible, because I really don't know anymore.