Updatee

Well things have been hectic. Stephanie had her baby :] Named Riley William<3 He was born 3.12.09 7.2 21.5 inches long. Hes so beautiful too. I kindof started dating this boy named Jesus :] He makes me rather happy. I still have loads of secrets, but none of which i could ever say on here. Secrets are never safe, no matter who/what withholds them. I've learned that the hard way. but yeah :] things are good, minus being grounded but hey, it happens I'm a teenager. I'll be 17 in about 3 1/2 months! I'm excited yet scared.
welllll i'm off for now. byee :)

Four Letter Words

What's the difference between Love and Hate? They are both just four letter words, with strong emotions attached to their definitions. And if you really think about it, you cannot have one with out the other, so really,there is no difference. Maybe they just want us to believe that there's more to these four letter words, to make us conform to what they want us to be. Or maybe there's a secret affair between the two, a hidden one,one that no one can ever see. Or maybe, all they are are just four letter words, with no meaning, no reason for saying them, and no real reason for feeling them.

Status

UPDATE: Not much really going on now a days. Just been chillin', enjoying things the way they are, yet at the same time hating them. As weird as that may seem, that's deffinately how my mind seems to work. I'm sitting here bored out of my mind. Thomas and I went to Amanda's and chilled with her and some others watched dead silence which is always a good movie :) Flirted some ;) and just hung out. Now I'm sitting here sooo tired, trying not to fall asleep. bleh well thats it for now...

Feeling

good. Things have been rocky the last week. Between midterms, and drama, it's been crazy. Midterms were good, The lowest grade I got was a 66, that was in Marine. But hey, it just means that I have to study harder. Wednesday was kindof nerve wrecking though, but not too much. Evan Nami Joey and I all hung out. We went to the mall. It was fun, I bought a really pretty dress. But believe it or not, when it came to the whole being near Joey, it wasn't too bad. I was really nervous at first, but then I calmed down, because it's pointless to let someting as stupid as him brekaing up with me ruin my fun. Actually, it reminded me of when we first hung out, I was wearing the same exact thing, coincidentally, and he was driving his dads truck, like he did the first time he ever drove me home. It was nice to be reminded in a gentle way, with him in my presence.

Friday night I found out some horrible news. Our close friend Chrissi passed away. It's really taking it's toll on mom. Unfortunately, Sarah knew her just as well, from girl scouts. This must be really hard on her daughter, she's only ten, but she doesn't have a father, and now she's motherless. I can only imagine how hard that's going to be on her in the future. I feel really horrible, it reminds me of mommom. But hey it's alright, I got to drink the pain away.

Last ngiht, Nmia spent the night. It was a lot of fun. We drank, and smoked a bowl. She got to see how my life is. It made her laugh, and I'm really glad. It was definately what she needed.

Lost and Confused

My heart and mind have been tearing me in two lately. Mostly, I think, it's my heart though. It keeps telling me different things. One day I'll care, and then the next, I feels like I hate you. Is this what it's like the be over someone you truly cared about? or is this just me not knowing whether I should give up or keep trying. Then on top of it all, in my mind, I keep telling myself, "I'm done with him, I can't take the crying all the time, an the hurt or confusion" but I keep going back to the "I still care" thing. It's all so frustrating and I can't figure out what to do any more.
My minds been so lost and confused, that I've been doing things that I don't ever do, and that are against my morals. I've only been doing it because it helps me relax and forget and just not care. This all is so hard on me. You'd think I'd be over him, and I really thought I was, but part of mes not. Part of me still wants to beg for his forgiveness and talk with him like we used to. Its really hard to keep remembering everything we did together. God, I want to just let go, but I can't seem to. Maybe my heart doesn't want to let go, because I'm so afraid of being alone. At this point, anythings possible, because I really don't know anymore.

Today was

good, for the most part. I went to the beach with a bunch of people to celebrate Natalie's 17th Birthday. It was fun, I really enjoyed myself. The water was really cold, but after a few minutes you got used to it. I actually was swimming instead of sitting there like I normally do. I swam halfway to the bouees. I saw a baby sting ray in the water. Natalie sortof freaked and decided she wasnt gonna go in anymore lol. I thought that was lame but whatever. But it was still nice. Then we walked from the pier all the way to the lighthouse and back. Wow, what a long walk but it was well needed. There were so many jellyfish and man-of-wars on the shore, it was unbelievable lol. We threw rocks on some of them and popped them, it was funny because some of them were loud we they popped. On our way back, we stopped and poked some of the jellyfish. There was one really big one, about ten inches wide. I took a rock and flipped it over. Thomas was all "oh stop that" lol. It was funny. We had some cupcakes, they were yummy, then about five minutes before everyone left, Stephanie finally showed up. It sucks that she missed all the fun. But shit happens. ON our way home, Thomas got a nut in his tire, and then we got into an argument. It was stupid, we were mad. Then i got yelled at for my atittude. Luc and I walked up to the walk, and saw Mary O' and Dylan. It was nice to chill with them. Then me and Thomsa made up, and got over being mad. And now, I'm sitting here, blogging about it al lol. I'm lame to tell such details, but to be honest, at the moment, its the only thing keeping me occupied, and from crying. I wish I could just stop caring. If I tried I probably could, but in reality, it's not in my nature to not care. Sometimes I wish it was. Curse me for being so much like mommom.

The New Year

So it's officially 2009! New year, new beginnings. That's all that this year is about. I'm starting fresh, with a lot of things. I'm staying open minded about everything, well mostly, and keeping my head up. This is going to be my year to shine. I've already started it off with getting things out in the open with one particular person. And I feel good about it. Although he doesn't care, I needed to get it out. Anyways, I'm looking forward to this year, and I'm hoping that maybe, things will finally turn around.