Lost and Confused

My heart and mind have been tearing me in two lately. Mostly, I think, it's my heart though. It keeps telling me different things. One day I'll care, and then the next, I feels like I hate you. Is this what it's like the be over someone you truly cared about? or is this just me not knowing whether I should give up or keep trying. Then on top of it all, in my mind, I keep telling myself, "I'm done with him, I can't take the crying all the time, an the hurt or confusion" but I keep going back to the "I still care" thing. It's all so frustrating and I can't figure out what to do any more.
My minds been so lost and confused, that I've been doing things that I don't ever do, and that are against my morals. I've only been doing it because it helps me relax and forget and just not care. This all is so hard on me. You'd think I'd be over him, and I really thought I was, but part of mes not. Part of me still wants to beg for his forgiveness and talk with him like we used to. Its really hard to keep remembering everything we did together. God, I want to just let go, but I can't seem to. Maybe my heart doesn't want to let go, because I'm so afraid of being alone. At this point, anythings possible, because I really don't know anymore.

Today was

good, for the most part. I went to the beach with a bunch of people to celebrate Natalie's 17th Birthday. It was fun, I really enjoyed myself. The water was really cold, but after a few minutes you got used to it. I actually was swimming instead of sitting there like I normally do. I swam halfway to the bouees. I saw a baby sting ray in the water. Natalie sortof freaked and decided she wasnt gonna go in anymore lol. I thought that was lame but whatever. But it was still nice. Then we walked from the pier all the way to the lighthouse and back. Wow, what a long walk but it was well needed. There were so many jellyfish and man-of-wars on the shore, it was unbelievable lol. We threw rocks on some of them and popped them, it was funny because some of them were loud we they popped. On our way back, we stopped and poked some of the jellyfish. There was one really big one, about ten inches wide. I took a rock and flipped it over. Thomas was all "oh stop that" lol. It was funny. We had some cupcakes, they were yummy, then about five minutes before everyone left, Stephanie finally showed up. It sucks that she missed all the fun. But shit happens. ON our way home, Thomas got a nut in his tire, and then we got into an argument. It was stupid, we were mad. Then i got yelled at for my atittude. Luc and I walked up to the walk, and saw Mary O' and Dylan. It was nice to chill with them. Then me and Thomsa made up, and got over being mad. And now, I'm sitting here, blogging about it al lol. I'm lame to tell such details, but to be honest, at the moment, its the only thing keeping me occupied, and from crying. I wish I could just stop caring. If I tried I probably could, but in reality, it's not in my nature to not care. Sometimes I wish it was. Curse me for being so much like mommom.

The New Year

So it's officially 2009! New year, new beginnings. That's all that this year is about. I'm starting fresh, with a lot of things. I'm staying open minded about everything, well mostly, and keeping my head up. This is going to be my year to shine. I've already started it off with getting things out in the open with one particular person. And I feel good about it. Although he doesn't care, I needed to get it out. Anyways, I'm looking forward to this year, and I'm hoping that maybe, things will finally turn around.

Love

is so confusing, not even those who know whats it really means to be in love, and how it feel, fully understand the complete depths of it. It's still a mystery no matter how many times it is felt or experienced.

8:312/08/08

So It's been a good week since I've blogged. Been sick and busy and just eh. The Art Basal was fun, but seeing Joey with that girl got me all jealous, so I was sort of pissy most of the day. It was rather frustrating. Buzz Bakesale was abolutely amazing. I saw Mayday Parade for a second time :), they're always so good live. I saw some other really good bands too.
Today I told Joey I hated him. I really dont know why, but I'm not sorry I said it and I'm not going to take it back, ever. I guess he deleted me off his friends list, it made me pissed but oh well. So i deleted him from my facebook. I know stupid and gay childish thing to do, but really I don't know how else to handle things. Ugh I hate still having feelings for him. I still care about him a lot, even though I really don't want to. I guess I can't really help it. It sucks too, because he doesn't care, and I do. He actully made eye contact with me today, for the first time in almost a month. Made me sort of nervous. I thinks it's weird, I still get the butterflies when I see him. Not the bad kind, the nervous "i like you" kind, which is rather pathetic. And I sortof like Robbie and he likes me too, but I really don't want to date anyone right now. I'm not sure what to do with myself right now. At least I have this so I can get my thoughts out and how I'm feeling out. Half the time how I'm feeling absolutely drives me nuts, but theres not much I can do about it because I cant just start typing on a computer when I'm at school or with friends, so I have to wait to get this stuff out. I guess it benefits me in the end because it helps teach me how to control myself, and my moods, as well as how I react towards people when I'm upset about something. Well I gotta get going. Still got things to get done. Bye!~

I wonder...

So I'm sitting here, allowing my thoughts to wander. Thinking my usual thoughts of "what if". Have you ever wondered how things would be with an alternate ending to everything? What if everything that has gone on was flipped, what would the outcome be? Would we be the same people we are now? Would we even be here? Would we have the same thoughts, the same lives, the same friends? Or would everything be completely different? Sometimes, I can't help but wonder about these things. I wonder if other people wonder about other people wondering about this too. It's a mystery, that I'm just itching to find the answer to, but unless I could find some way to an alternate universe, I'll never know.

December

Bring better tomorrows
For November has come and gone
and left me breathless and restless.