Love

is so confusing, not even those who know whats it really means to be in love, and how it feel, fully understand the complete depths of it. It's still a mystery no matter how many times it is felt or experienced.

8:312/08/08

So It's been a good week since I've blogged. Been sick and busy and just eh. The Art Basal was fun, but seeing Joey with that girl got me all jealous, so I was sort of pissy most of the day. It was rather frustrating. Buzz Bakesale was abolutely amazing. I saw Mayday Parade for a second time :), they're always so good live. I saw some other really good bands too.
Today I told Joey I hated him. I really dont know why, but I'm not sorry I said it and I'm not going to take it back, ever. I guess he deleted me off his friends list, it made me pissed but oh well. So i deleted him from my facebook. I know stupid and gay childish thing to do, but really I don't know how else to handle things. Ugh I hate still having feelings for him. I still care about him a lot, even though I really don't want to. I guess I can't really help it. It sucks too, because he doesn't care, and I do. He actully made eye contact with me today, for the first time in almost a month. Made me sort of nervous. I thinks it's weird, I still get the butterflies when I see him. Not the bad kind, the nervous "i like you" kind, which is rather pathetic. And I sortof like Robbie and he likes me too, but I really don't want to date anyone right now. I'm not sure what to do with myself right now. At least I have this so I can get my thoughts out and how I'm feeling out. Half the time how I'm feeling absolutely drives me nuts, but theres not much I can do about it because I cant just start typing on a computer when I'm at school or with friends, so I have to wait to get this stuff out. I guess it benefits me in the end because it helps teach me how to control myself, and my moods, as well as how I react towards people when I'm upset about something. Well I gotta get going. Still got things to get done. Bye!~

I wonder...

So I'm sitting here, allowing my thoughts to wander. Thinking my usual thoughts of "what if". Have you ever wondered how things would be with an alternate ending to everything? What if everything that has gone on was flipped, what would the outcome be? Would we be the same people we are now? Would we even be here? Would we have the same thoughts, the same lives, the same friends? Or would everything be completely different? Sometimes, I can't help but wonder about these things. I wonder if other people wonder about other people wondering about this too. It's a mystery, that I'm just itching to find the answer to, but unless I could find some way to an alternate universe, I'll never know.

December

Bring better tomorrows
For November has come and gone
and left me breathless and restless.

ugh still sick :[

I woke up feeling twice as bad as I did yesterday. I hate how miserable I'm feeling. I just want to feel better. I haven't been able to sleep or eat in days. I have no appetite, and unless I take NyQuil, I can't sleep. So I've been sitting here watching whatever is on TV to pass time. There's nothing better to do, at least not right now there's not. To top it off, the medicine I'm taking has horrible side effects, which I had some of them this morning :/. If I dont start feeling better by tomorrow, I have to go back to the doctor. blahh And I really doubt I'm going to school tomorrow. Ugh :/ Make me feel better already.

blahh

So I'm home sick, like I have been for the last few days. So much for my Thanksgiving break. I've been feeling like a truck hit me since Wednesday :/. I went to the doctor today, they finally gave me medicine, hopefully it works, if not, I have to go back in 3 to 4 days.

So Thomas finally told me how he's been feeling. He said he was afraid that'd I'd shoot him down. I told him I wouldn't, only because I'm not sure of how I feel about anything right now. And I sent Joey a long message. It was nice, and to the point. I hope it makes him think. Man I miss him. Mom said I should get over him, which I know I should, but all she wants is for me and Thomas to go out, and I don't want that, at least not right now. But I'm just afraid it will mess things up. I don't know. I'm not thinking straight now a days. I've been such a mess. I'm confused, hurt, and angry. I can't focus on anything other than thoughts of Joey, and memories that we have together. As sappy as it sounds, it's true. Thomas called me a hopeless romantic, because I showed him what I wrote to Joey. It's true, I am, but whatever. Not that it really matters to many people.

I'm so tired, I haven't been able to sleep lately. At least not without taking Nyquil. It's horrible, it's like my body has become dependant on it :/. It scares me. And I've been having these awful thoughts. I think things would be better off without me. I told Natalie, she called me selfish, because I'm not thinking of anyone else. She's right, I'm not thinking. At all. My mind has been filled with so many thoughts, but none of which I should really be focusing on, or really should even have in my mind. I jsut want to be back to me again, not all sad and angry all the time. Not always faking my smile, and hiding how I really feel. I hate all of this.

Finally I have time.

Happy [late] Thanksgiving! So finally I have time to blog, thank God. I think that if it weren't for days off, I would absolutely go nuts. Any who, where to start...there's so much to tell.
Well, since the last time I wrote in here, a lot has changed and a lot has gone on.
I was with Harley for about 2 months, before things started going to shit, and I broke up with him. We started fighting constantly because of stupid shit, and he was moving to Missouri so i decided it was time to go our separate ways. And not too long after, When I was hanging out with Evan, did I find someone who made me the happiest girl alive, Joey. I've known him since freshman year, but we weren't very close, just hey what's up type of things. I've always had a crush on him, but always thought, he's too good for me. Well we started talking, and we started to see each other. We spent almost everyday together for the rest of the summer :). We were together for a little over 3 months, but towards the need, I was going through a lot, and I got depressed and I had changed my attitude a little. Joey didn't like the change and broke up with me :. Right now it's been almost 3 weeks since it's happened, and God do I miss him. I keep thinking about the first time we hung out, it was really awkward. He came over, and we were watching Discovery channel because it was shark week. It took him almost all night to even hold my hand, and when he finally did, oh man I had the butterflies so bad! lol. When it was time for him to elave, I walked him out to his car, and we hugged, and we kissed, it was really awkward. But now, hes not there anymore and I'm really lost. I miss him and want him back more than i could ever tell him. I sent him a letter earlier, and I hope he considers what I put.
On top of all that, Stephs pregnant, and shes having a boy. Shes with this really obnoxious guy named Chris. But hey, I have to put up with him, hes gonna be family. And pauls with this girl Serena, who is also prenant, and they're engaged to be married. Puals going into the Navy, just like his brother John. Moms still struggling with hte financial situation, she will be until my dad finally grows balls and starts helping out. But thats never gonna happen.

Well this is just a quick little summary of whats been going on, I'll blog more about the joey thing later. Cos I have so much i need to get off my chest and its killing me holding it in so long and pretending to be happy when really I'm dying inside :/
anywho, laterr~~

now

So yesterday thomas decided to show up at my door, so I never got the chance to blog. but hopefully either tonight or tomorrow I will. Thomas leaves tonight but I got invited to go see twilight with a bunch of friends tonight soo hopefully that will be fun. idk, anywho currently in english class working on a project, woo :/

well ill finish this laterrrr

byee~

oh wow

hey :] its been a long time since i've blogged. I promise starting tomorrow,i"ll update. So much has happened, and have so many thoughts and things to say. It may take me a long time to even say it all. but no worries we have time. see you tomorrow :)

LOVE THISS

aha things couldn't be more perfect right now.
I love my boyfriend, my friends, and my family!

Hey!

I haven't' been up to blogging lately, I've been really busy. I think this is the first time that I've found today to actually sit down and relax....
So Steph and Paul are getting a divorce...that sucks, cos both of them moved out. Now me and mom are taking everything out of the warehouse and putting back into the storage closet. Thats an interesting task all on its own.

Moms having a really hard time financially, so things suck with that, and I'm prolly not gonna have a good b day :[

I'm failing three classes right now..erggg, and I only have like 2 weeks to pull up my grades=/


But on the plus side, I finally met Harley :]. And were hanging out on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it.

PARAMORE<3

I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore I love paramore

It's Ok.

So update since friday/saturday. Things have majorly turned around, mostly how I'm feeling. Sunday, I sent the day with Beccawe went to church, and then out to eat, and then to the beach. It was a lot of fun, and so relaxing. It was just what I needed to make me feel so much better, and thats just what it did. And since Sunday, everything has been going great. Things are finally turning around.

felling lost

God, I feel so lost. I don't know what to feel, what to think, or what to say.
Everything is just so confusing right now, and I just want to gt away from it all. I'm all alone right now, not physically, but in my heart. I feel like I have nothing and no one, and i just need something or someone. I hate feeling like this. I wanna run away and never return. Ever.

Best Friend?

Everyone has that one person that they can confide in, and trust with everything. And everyone needs there best friends. To be there when thing aren't the greatest, an to put a smile on their face, or just to have someone to have fun with. One thing that girls always say is, "never let a guy ever come between us". It's just a stupid thing to do right? to have a friendship destroyed over a guy? Well, right now I'm stuck in this predicament, my [ex] best friend is mad at me because I'm talking to her ex. She dumped him, so it's pretty much fair game right? Well not to her. So we've been fighting over this stupid thing for like 3 weeks. Retarded, I know. And on top of that, I've never even met the guy in real person yet. And nothing is going on. We talk like friends. We talk about skateboarding, and life, that's pretty much it. So honestly, Am I in the wrong with this, or is she? In my own opinion, she's overreacting about all of this, and needs to take a chill pill. She needs to take a step back and realize, who has been the better friend? Who has been there for who the whole time? And who was there for the other no matter what, or at least tried to be. Really, I don't think she took any of this into factor.

I'm Grounded!

So today was pretty good. I woke up in a decent mood, and classes were pretty rad. Lunch was soo much fun! I loved it. Then came art class, and I got my report card :[. Ugh that totally ruined my day. I got tow F's one D two C's and 2 B's. And Guess what I'm grounded for the F's. So as of right now, what I do is really limited until I pull up my grades.

Steph and Paul are home =/. They're seperating. I feel really bad for them. I hope everything works out.

Day 1

Hello :). I'm excited for tomorrow. It's the art festival at school, and guess what!?!? Some of my art is going to be in it! Wow, I was so surprised when I found out that Ms. Rosa put some of my art in it. When I told mom, she did exactly what I thought she would. She kept saying how proud she was, and pretty much told everyone.

Mom, dad, Sarah, Steve, Anthony, and a bunch of other people are going tomorrow night. Tyler might even go :).